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I'm the Groom

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you
cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"I said be quiet! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be
in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"

'Well She's There'

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Home for Thanksgiving

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer!" the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each oth
er, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.

"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!"

Four Worms in Church

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" 

You be Jesus

 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. 
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. 
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 
' If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 
' Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. ' 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 
' Ryan , you be Jesus ! '

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight. 

Elephants are the only mamals that can't jump.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why..... Read More.....